Spring 2009. What an interesting time to be alive...at least, it is for me.

I don't think my mental state has ever been better then it is right now. I have a job that I don't hate - in fact, its more then tolerable, and although I bitch and complain about having to go there all the frigging time, I find that once I am there, its fine.

I have oodles of responsibilities, administrative access to everything (its a great feeling to know that I could single handedly almost bring down the company from the inside!) and a boss who appreciates all my hard work and doesn't hesitate to thank me and reward me for it.

The dust has settled a long long time ago now with all the agonies of divorce and becoming a part time parent. My kids are doing amazing! My little guy is turning 9 soon, and is in that gawky stage that all little boys seem to go through, where he has gigantic front teeth, a huge head, and skinny arms. His whole life revolves around fart jokes. And most importantly, he just adores me! He's my little buddy, and I am so lucky to be his mommy. If only his musical tastes would advance beyond AC/DC...

And my daughter. What can I say? She is no longer the angry girl who told the Children's Aid Society that I smack her around on my visits. Now she hugs me when I come pick her up, she tells me that she loves me and that she thinks I'm a really cool mom, and she tells me her secrets. She is getting so tall! She's taller then my mother, and will probably be taller then me before I know it. She needs braces, but she is turning into a beauty with her hazel eyes and silky brown hair.

I have a man who gives me a reason to wake up every day. In some ways, we are totally the opposite, but in all the ways that matter we are exactly the same. It is an honour and a privilege just to know him, and I love him more with every passing day.

I've been on a great medication for a little over a year now, and by some miracle it is still working. I haven't even upped the dose! Being bi polar with virtually no "high" cycle is finally not so bad. For the first time ever I feel like its not an inevitability that I will kill myself. I no longer find myself thinking about roof access to tall buildings or how to steal potent medications from the elderly or the best way to tie a ligature.

In short, I've become really fucking boring.

I like to listen to my iPod. I play The Sims endlessly. I have learned how to create objects from scratch for my game and I am an active participant in forums. I'm still sober (although I smoked some weed lately - it doesn't count as far as I'm concerned!).

I did, however, manage to aquire some ridiculously great seats for the upcoming Nine Inch Nails & Jane's Addiction show! Maybe I'm not so boring after all!

I've decided to start another blog. For a long time, wild horses couldn't have dragged any words out of me. Before that, life was complicated, confusing, and full of pain. I am no longer the person I was when I started writing here, and I think that one reason I haven't been writing is because I don't know what to say after all the things I HAVE said.

So thats what I am going to do: start again with a sparkling new blog. For those of you who have stuck it through with me, I thank you! I hope you will follow me to my new home which is a blog version of a fresh start.

Come see me HERE.

Long Time No Write

I guess I'm back. Again. Seems like a part of my nature to just up and quit when the going really gets good and then, when no one is looking, to pick up where I left off. Blogging is no different. I've been putting my thoughts into a blog since 2002? 2003? and have stopped, started, deleted, started new ones, and then stopped those more times then I can even count.

Hmmm. So where did I leave off, anyway?

Oh yeah. Paralyzing depression, no job, blah blah blah.

I now have employment (decent employment no less) and thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, I now live in a emotional flatline state. Isn't it great? If I could be bothered to be excited, I would be excited.

Blah

4 months. 4 months since I have had even the slightest inclination to post anything here. Maybe its because you can only say the exact same thing so many ways before you just...stop.

Did I finally find employment since December 2007? Yes. Am I still a wretched individual trying to pretend that I am a functional human being? Yes. Am I still depressed and wishing I could find at least one small shred of a redeemable quality in myself that could actually be of some value to another? Yes again.

Guess that just about sums it up then.

I just fucking love being me.